Release Date: March 28, 2008 Studio: Sony Pictures MPAA Rating: PG-13 Genre: Thriller •
Drama Director: Robert Luketic Writers: Peter Steinfeld and Allan Loeb Cast: Kevin Spacey,Jim Sturgess,Kate Bosworth,Laurence Fishburne Synopsis: Sorta based on a true story: MIT super genius Ben Campbell wants to go to Harvard Medical, but he's about $300,000.00 short.
Enter his math prof Micky Rosa, who offers to help him (Ben) help him (Micky) make oodles of dough counting cards in Vegas,baby. The Review: TITLE: THE YEAR 2030
Int. BECKY WOOD’S HOME.Day.
Erich’s nephews 12 year-old Where's-Waldo Wood and Clay-Aiken Wood sit attentively on a comfy couch.There is nothing in their clothing or hairstyles to indicate this is the future. But it is. Really. You have to take my word on it.
Erich VOICE OVER Narration
Hi Kids.
It’s your Uncle Erich and it’s time for another episode of “How I Met Your Movie Review” -once more into the psuedo-confessional abyss as I delve into the past and bring you ungrateful bastards (What? Oh, sorry sis.)(Well they are , they have to find out sometime, right?) ...where was I? Oh yeah, bring you guys my film reviews from the past.
OPENING TITLES
Music:” Bah bah bah bah ba ba bah bab ababadda ba “ over blurry still shots of Erich standing in line at movie theater, Erich high-fiving Mikey at the popcorn stand, then tripping over Sarah, spilling popcorn everywhere, the popped kernels floating in space, Sarah slapping her hand to her face in the timeless “what a doofus” expression a the two-shot of Danny and Rori doubled over with laughter, followed by a picture of Henry holding up a sign reading: “I didn’t do it!”
Erich VOICE OVER Narration(sounding nothing at all like Bob Saget):
“Back in February and March of 2008 we were having a dry spell at the cineplex.
It’s not like today when mega-blockbusters hit the local Magic Johnson Jr.’s Urban Googleplex every week.Back then, the big movies started in May and in 2008 we were looking forward to Iron Man, The Dark Knight, Star Trek (oh-wait, that was 2009) and a bunch of other great flicks and best of all, none of them were going to star NIcholas Cage. One bright cold early Thursday morning in March, Mikey and I saw 21.”
Ext.THE REGAL BEAGLE CINEMA & KENNEL 2008 Day
Erich and Mikey exit the moviehouse and walk, stepping over the occasional homeless person
Mikey: So, what did you think of 21?
Erich: I don’t know. I want to give it a Ten, but then I want another card after that.
Mikey: Hit me.
Erich:Exactly. (He slugs Mikey.)
Mikey: Owww!
Int. STARBUCK’S BATTLESTAR BEANERY COFFEE HOUSE 2008 Day
Erich, Mikey, Danny, Rori and Sarah are sprawled over several couches and beanbag chairs.
Sarah: So it’s got Kevin Spacey, Kate Bosworth (ugh)...
Erich: I like Kate Bosworth. I want to take her home and feed her.
Sarah: To the cats? And Aaron Yoo who was my boyfriend Shia’s best bud in DISTURBIA, Liza Lapira who was in CLOVERFIELD....
Danny lets out a bloodcurdling ROAR.
Rori jumps.
Rori: Would you quit it already?
Danny (quoting Hud ): I’m documenting. I love you Rob. I’m documenting my love for you, Rob.
Sarah:(Continuing) and Jim Sturgess...
Erich: Who was awesome in the awesome ACROSS THE UNIVERSE!
Mikey: (Sing songy voice) Erich loves musicals, Erich loves musicals.
(Regular voice) Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Sarah: And Laurence Fishburne...
Danny: I met Larry back in Oh- six at LAX. We were hailing cabs.
Flashback Ext. LAX AIRPORT GROUND TRANSPORTATION- 2006 Day
Danny: Wow! Laurence Fishburne! Dude, you’re amazing ! How do you do it?
Laurence Fishburne: It’s easy. You just raise your hand, wave slightly and yell: Taxi !!
Int. STARBUCK’S BATTLESTAR BEANERY COFFEE HOUSE 2008 Day
Erich: Wow!That must have been awesome, hearing Mother F’_ing MORPHEUS yell “TAXI!!” in that great Shakespearian voice of his.
Rori: Danny didn’t hear a thing.
Erich: Why not?
Rori:He was plugged into his iPod.
Flashback Ext. LAX AIRPORT GROUND TRANSPORTATION 2006 Day
Danny:(EXTRA LOUD and MUFFLED ) Wow! Lawrence Fishburne! Dude, you’re amazing ! How do you do it?
Lawrence Fishburne: LOUD BON JOVI MUSIC PLAYING OVER HIS WORDS:
“Shot to the heart/and you’re to blame/you give love a bad name”
Int. STARBUCK’S BATTLESTAR BEANERY COFFEE HOUSE 2008 Day
Erich: And the plot about the boy genius hired to count cards in Vegas to pay for Harvard Medical School? It was pretty involving or interesting or something.
Danny: Were there strippers?
Erich: Yeah, but they were PG-13 strippers.
Danny: Denied!
Erich: Oh and there's one other actor I wanted to name.
Spencer Garrett played Larry Fishburne's boss at the casino and I wanted to mention he was in a great "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode called "The Drumhead" where he played this officer who was hiding the secret that his grandfather was a Romulan, not a Vulcan,
Danny: You are such an uber-geek.
Erich:It's worse than that.
Sarah: Oh no.
Erich: I remember his character's name:Simon Tarses. Anyway he was fantastic in that and it was great to see him again.
Rori: Was there anything worthwhile in 21 besides all of your man-crushes and Star Trek fetish things?
Erich:It was kinda cool how the director (Robert Luketic who also did Legally Blonde) had like two different movies going on.
Mikey:Right. The MIT stuff was really cold colors and natural light and the Vegas stuff was lit like a video game on crack.
Gumless Joe, a colorful neighborhood crack addict pops into frame.
Gumless Joe: You got crack ?
Sarah: We have got to move to a better neighborhood.
Int. DANNY AND RORI’S APARTMENT 2008 Day
Erich:So I saw this commercial for 21 sponsored by the Vegas Tourist board or whatever.
Mikey:So?
Erich: The movie glamorizes cheating Vegas. It shows guys getting really beat up, like pulverized to pulp by Larry Fishburne. So why is the tourism board plugging the movie?
Mikey: Any advertising for Vegas is good advertising for Vegas? I dunno.
Danny: It’s not like they can say : “Vegas. Come for the tits, stay for the glitz.”
Erich: They can’t say that?
Int. ERICH’S SCION MOVING IN TRAFFIC 2008 Day
Erich is on the phone. SPLIT SCREEN Int. MIKEY’S APARTMENT DAY.Mikey’s on the other line.
Erich: I don’t know about my 21 review.What can I write?
Mikey: What about some kind of Gambling metaphor?
Erich: I don’t gamble and I think everyone else is going to do that,anyway.
Mikey:You’re over thinking it.
Erich: I am not.
Mikey:Trust me. You can ask Sarah on this one.
Int. SARAH AND ERICH’S APARTMENT 2008 Day
The “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” season six episode “ Bargaining Part 1 “ is on TV.
Buffy sticks a stake into a muscly Vamp in one of Sunnydale’s numerous graveyards. He explodes in a shower of dust.
Buffy: That’ll put Marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!
Proud of herself, Buffy turns to her friends.
Spike: What’s with the Dadaism, red?
Sarah and Erich are on the couch, watching the show.
Sarah: You need to start thinking in the box.
Erich: I am in the box.
Sarah: No, Buffy is in the box. You are in Shelbyville somewhere.
Erich: You’re mixing your metaphors.
Sarah: I know.
Erich: So, What you are saying is that I need to murder Bambi just to get an idea of how to review this thing?
Sarah: Possibly. Maybe.No.Yes.You’re asking the wrong vegetarian feminist.
Int. SARAH AND ERICH’S APARTMENT 2008 Day
Erich is on the phone. SPLIT SCREEN Int. MIKEY’S APARTMENT DAY.Mikey’s on the other line. We can hear “Buffy” in the background.
Erich: I’m blocked, man, I’m blocked.
Mikey: Have you tried Colon Blow Cereal?
Erich: Uh....
Mikey: Hang on. I’ve got another call.
THREE WAY SPLIT SCREEN We now see Int. DANNY AND RORI’S APARTMENT 2008 Day
Mikey: Erich, tell Danny what you told me.
Erich: Dude, I’m blocked. I’m waay blocked here.
Danny: Have you tried Colon Blow Cereal?
Erich: Is it good?
Danny:It tastes like shit.
Int. SARAH AND ERICH’S APARTMENT 2008 Day
Pitch Darkness
Sarah: (Voice Over) Now picture yourself in the box.
Erich: (Voice Over) I’m in the box.
Sarah:Open your eyes. What do you see?
Erich’s POV-the interior of a cardboard box-Day.
We widen the view. Erich’s head is sharing the box with the decapitated head of TRACY MILLS (Gwyneth Paltrow) from the movie SE7EN!
He screams like a little girl.
Match cut to Sarah taking a screaming tea kettle off the stove.
Sarah: Did you say something ?
Erich: (flatly) Yeah. Gwyneth says “Hi.”
Int. SARAH AND ERICH’S APARTMENT 2008 Night
Erich is tossing and turning as Sarah sleeps blissfully besides him.
Erich: (VOICE OVER) What’s my problem?
It’s just a review. My opinion isn’t that important.
Who’s going to care?
Male voice (Texas accent) off screen: I care. I care.
Widen angle to reveal in Sarah’s place in the bed is Ain’t it Cole Slaw News founder Harry Nomore.
Erich jumps back.
Two more off screen Male voices: Two thumbs up.
Erich looks to his right to reveal Roger Ebert & the rotting corpse of Gene Siskel.
Gene’s thumb fall off.
Zombie Siskel: Buddy, can you spare a thumb?
Erich awakes in a cold sweat.
Ext. LONELY CITY STREETS NIGHT.
Erich walks the rain-slicked streets. A few stray newspapers blow past his feet.
Erich: (VOICE OVER)
I guess I can hack it. I’ll think of something.
It’s just, it was well made and I like the cast and it wasn’t so bad. I just didn’t feel anything for the movie.
Maybe it’s for the best.
Being a film reviewer is like being a hired gun. The studios set ‘em up and I shoot ‘em down.
Yeah. I’m a killer.
He walks by an electronics shop. TVs of all descriptions flicker images through the window. A down and out character in a brown trench coat reads a paper in front of the store:
Rick Deckard (VOICE OVER):
They don't advertise for killers in the newspaper. That was my profession. Ex-cop. Ex-blade runner. Ex-killer.
Erich walks past him.
Erich: (VOICE OVER) Well...maybe not.
TITLE: THE YEAR 2030
Int. BECKY WOOD’S HOME.Day.
Waldo Wood and Clay-Aiken Wood are draped over the couch at angles only teenagers (or near-teens) can manager.
Erich: (VOICE OVER) So that’s how your Uncle Erich learned it was okay to not really like or dislike a movie. You gotta choose your battles, I always say. And besides, the next movie I had to review, it was much easier.
Waldo: What was the next movie Uncle Erich?
Erich (VOICE OVER) : Oh, it was ...
JUMP CUT TO BLACK
END CREDITS
I give 21 six Fizzbins out of a possible ten Fizzbins. Rating:
