IESB Presents - FilmGeekz.com - Film Geekz Guide For Enjoying Your Cinematic Experience

Film Geekz Guide For Enjoying Your Cinematic Experience

Written by Mikey

April 07, 2008

It's like movies for dummies only it's faster, funnier, and we use much smaller words.

Let's face it the world is full of inconsiderate and stupid people, but that doesn't mean we can't all learn to get along and be civilized? Well at least at the movies anyway.

Friends don't let friends act like idiots at the movies, be a friend...send this helpful guide to everyone you know, print it up and hand it out at your local movie house...spread the word.

Get people started along the way towards a cinematic utopia. Who knows maybe maybe world peace begins at the Cineplex?

Rule # 1: Know your mood.

This might sound like a really obvious thing, but its #1 for a reason. As a film critic I dont get much of a choice as to what type of film I get to plop down in front of on any given night. I cannot stress how much this freedom is important when choosing a flick to watch.

I.E: If you are in the mood for Sci Fi action, throwing down your hard cash for a goofball comedy might not tickle your funny bone so much as chap your ass.

Of course there are times when you will have no choice, sooner or later your llfe partner is going to want to make you sit through some insidious chick flick. If you wanna get laid you are just going to have to suck it up..but I've found if you just imagine your own subplots...just try to keep those thoughts to yourself otherwise you?ll spend your night explaining why you uttered "Oh yeah Lindsey slap dat ass."

Rule #2: Know your movie.

Much like #1 this ones a biggie. Theres a fine line between stupid comedy and smartly written low brow comedy when it comes to trailers. Same goes for all other movie genres.

Trailers can sometimes be misleading. What looks like a kick ass ride in the 90 seconds trailer might be an 80 minute snooze-fest. Or even worse the studio can pull a bait and switch on you.oh you might think you are in for a creepy thriller but SURPRISE its a musical! Again this is where searching Film Geekz and IESB comes in handy for watching clips and featurettes.

The good news is most the studios will throw out clips of the film before its release. Sometimes even the opening few minutes. These can be a great help in understanding what you are getting into.

Rule # 3: Know who to listen to.

First-Always check here at Film Geekz to get a review, we know our shit and we wont bullshit you with a bunch of crap about why this film is good because "The symbolism of the girl shoving the banana in her mouth is all about her rejection of the father figure in her life"...hell no we'll just say: "This movie sucks but it does have a really hot chick going down on a banana."

When it comes to listening your friends opinions, create a list of movies to use as a yard stick..odds are if they hated The Shawshank Redemption but loved Wing Commander they will steer you wrong.

Rule # 4: Punctuality Counts.

Now that you've decided what movie to plunk your cash in on, it?s time to make the best of it and nothing will fuck up your viewing pleasure than a bad seat.

Best bet is to arrive about 35 min early (unless it's some big opening night, then you be the judge), pick out your preferred seating and THEN send a recover team to the snack bar to get your grub.

Extra Tip: Open all your food items before the movie starts, nobody wants to listen to you struggle in the dark to open up your sour patch kids.

Rule # 5: Know your bladder.

This tip is important to remember for step # 4. Most movies average about 90 minutes, so it's a good bet that you are gonna have to piss at some point and you need to make room for that 128 ounce soda..so take that pee pee break beforehand so you don't need to annoy those around you with your departure and return?and the whispering once you settle back in to catch up with what you missed.

As you can see it's not only important for your own viewing experience it's important to the other chumps who also paid to get in.

Rule # 6: Know Your Role.

You are not in the cast and nobody paid 12.50 to pay attention to your stupid ass. So put away the fuckin laser pointer and just shut the fuck up for 90 minutes.

Quite whispering is acceptable; doubly so between two people on a date. But keep it to a minimum and keep it low.

Rule # 7: Know Your Kids Roles.

Nobody paid to hear your rug rat cry during the movie.

As a parent I am fully aware of our place in the universe and going to a movie isn't a right it's a privilege. Trust me I FULLY understand the need to get out of the house and into the world and sometimes finding a babysitter is just impossible.

That said, you just have to really decide what the better choice is here.

Option 1: Wait for DVD.
Option 2: Wait till you can find a babysitter.
Option 3: Be prepared to exit the theater at the first sign of crying. NOT 30 fucking minutes into it.
Option 4: If the kid just cannot be calmed, you need to leave and get a refund.

I have left many a film where things just were not going right..and believe me I didn't want to walk out of Spider-Man I had waited most of my life to see that, but I was not about to ruin it for everyone else just because my little guy was freakin out.

You might think I sound harsh but it's what's best for everyone including the kid.

Rule # 8: R E S P E C T.

Probably the most basic tip on this list but the one most easily forgotten.

Please and Thank You's aint just for people that went to finishing school. Be polite when you need to shimmy down that row because you ignored rule # 5...there are some people that will shoot you for smudging those new Pumas. Lower those odds of getting a cap in yo ass by just being polite.

Respect those around you, enjoy the film but make sure the things you are doing are not keeping those around you from enjoying it. Remember sounds travels and some of us out there have pretty impressive aim with a peanut M&M and you'll never even know where it came from..you have been warned.

Rule # 9: You are NOT the running commentary track.

Seriously, we have DVD commentary tracks for a reason so nobody needs you to point out every plot point, or to warn the stupid white girl in the see-through tank top NOT to go into the basement?.the plot of the movie was laid out WELL in advance of your ticket purchase and nothing you say or do is going to alter it's course. Save yelling at the screen for your own home please.

Don't get me wrong, screaming in horror movies, cheering for the hero, or laughing is all part of the experience?play by play is not.

Some movies are made for viewers to take part in the fun (Rocky Horror, Snakes on a Plane..etc), but most are not.

Rule # 10: It's Showtime do you know where cell-phone is?

It still amazes me to no end that before the film starts someone can see half a dozen of those "turn off your cell phone" ads and still NOT turn the damn thing off.

Even more astounding is the asshole that thinks they can answer the damn thing and talk on it during the movie. I kid you know I had to listen to some old bag go over her entire Christmas shopping list during a screening of Narnia a ways back, didn't matter that people gave her clues to end the call..nope she kept on talking. Didn't even matter that someone told her directly to take the call outside?.you wanna know what put an end to her convo? One well placed peanut M&M to the skull (why do you think I warned you on rule #8?...it does happen) and that was in Narnia imagine if this had been New Jack City?

Bonus Rule: Special Advanced Screenings.

Ever won some passes to see a movie before it opens? You know those ones you get from your local radio station or home town publications?

Odds are if you have you've encountered the long lines of other winners and you may have some idea about what I'm about to ramble on about either way this is for anyone going to one of these special screenings.

1: SHOW up early..and I mean an hour or two before show time. If the movie has any hype what-so-ever you'll be fighting to get a good seat..if you get one at all.

I kid you not, to fill these theaters the studio knows they have to send out about six to eight times the number of passes as there are seats..and seating is "First come First serve" kiddies. (And yes its right there in the small print on the pass)

Don"t look for any sympathy from the folks running those shin digs they take a ton of grief every night from morons who don"t have the foresight to show up early for a free viewing of the next hottest movie. However most of them are nice enough to take your info so the studio can send you another pass for another upcoming film..to which unless you've learned your lesson will probably be late to and thus..the cycle continues.

Why? The studio knows that the odds are that 70% of the people that got a pass won?t show up so they have to stack the deck to fill this sucker.

2: Your best bet is to bring a friend (if you have one and I'm taking applications if you are in need of a cool new friend) and work as a team.

It's really handy to have an extra person to hold seats while the other runs for snacks or needs to empty that bladder.

3: While you might think its all just good PR from the studio to get some word of mouth going the underlying reason there is a free screening is that the studio needs to show off this film to your local film critics and other press...so instead of having to rent out an empty theater they fill it up with normal folks like you.

Basically the point I'm getting at is that all the tips above go double for these screenings. While you are there to have fun, some people are there to work..and if it wasn't for those people the odds are there wouldn't be a free screening for you to get into.

Also your odds of getting booted for acting like a dumbshit goes up at these screenings by about 300%.

That's it for this volume of Film Geekz Tips For An Enjoyable Theater Going Experience. With any luck this will be the first step towards the betterment of mankind.

Spread the knowledge, e-mail it, print it, tattoo it, whatever you got to do but make sure the dolt in your life gets a copy of this.

Mikey The B.F.G. (Big Film Geek)

Readers have left 2 comments.

No.1 Perfect.

Now we just require this whole list printed 6 feet high and placing outside every cinema in the world. In addition these tips should be upheld by an army of ED-209 like robots.

Lupin 3 (Registered) • 2008-01-03 08:57:56

No.2 Words of Wisdom

This is most excellent advice! Especially the free screening info. Thanks for spreading the word my friend!