The Single Geekz Guide For Surviving A Valentines Day Alone.

Ok...ok. Look...I've been posting some bitter items on this site of late. It happens, I'm in a rut of sorts....but at least I've been making it fun (I hope). Writing is my therapy, and if emotions didn't seep out into the things I write, they wouldn't be any more entertaining than reading endless pages of statistics on ball bearings.

I don't hate relationships, people in relationships (happy or otherwise), I'm not a lonely loser who can't get laid either quite honestly (I gotz mad skillz so fuck you haters); however, even at the best of times I just don't enjoy this stupid little Valentine's Day nonsense.

Before you start, I have a good memory; I've never forgotten to make V-day special for the woman in my life, I've never forgotten a lover's birthday or an anniversary. So NO, I don't hate it because I'm a fuck up either.

I don't like it because people put too much pressure on it. I'm willing to bet someone reading this knows someone who got dumped over this holiday.

I don't like it because it's a day where people will shift normal attitudes and behavior in order to get laid....umm, Hello! If you just stop acting like a dipshit you'd get laid everyday!

I could object to it based on capitalism but..hey, I'd invent a holiday if I could make a buck off it (Working on that actually).

Mostly I cannot endorse it because it does make lonely single people feel just that much lower. Who better to fight for the lonely Geekz than me? One day they will build statues and sing songs of me.

How many of you people reading this have gone through a rough patch relationship wise? Now, how many of you people reading this have hit that rough patch JUST in time for cupid to come fluttering around with his bow and arrow? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this is for you!

The Single Geekz Guide For Surviving A Valentines Day Alone:

1. Celebrate Being Single: Seriously, being in a relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be. Odds are you know this because you are single and odds are 50/50 you didn't get this way by choice....but here's the thing...you are free to do whatever you want and it's time to make the most of it.

2. Be Someone Else:  It's Valentines Day...nobody else is being themselves, so why should you? Find a bar, coffee house, poetry reading, dog park, whatever - so long as it's outside your normal flight patterns and you won't run into anyone you know.

Step One: Pick someone else to be. Best bet is to just emulate a character from a movie or book. It's easy and works as a perfect guide (Don't use their actual name though...seriously nobody is going to buy that you are Abe Froman The Sausage King of Chicago) to behavior patterns and speech.

Step Two: Suit Up! You need to dress the part.

Step Three: Pick your target. This can be a slight bit tougher. Sure, skanks are easy to pick up, but statistics show so is an STD. If you want to avoid the risk, the best thing you can do is study the room and find the girl/guy who looks just slightly south of sad. Odds are he/she's hitting the same rut as you and needs a pick me up.

*Now before you think of me as some heartless jackass (unless you already do...you carry on) I'm not suggesting using this person for a quick night of sex (hence the warning on skanks); the sole purpose of this guide is NOT to get you laid. It's to survive this insipid holiday and help steer you out of this dark pit you might be in. Think of this as a vacation from yourself.*

Step Four: Escape Strategy. Depending on how far you plan to go with being someone else, always leave yourself an exit. You might be Bruce Wayne tonight but in the morning you'll still be you, and that's no reason to break someone else's heart. The goal is to show this person the night of their life and vanish. However, if you don't go too far overboard, there's no reason you can't capture a relationship out of it...just set realistic goals going in.

3. Safety In Numbers: Team up with your single friends for a night on the town. This can be as simple as renting a movie or hitting the dance club. Word of caution - Decide before you go out if this is a hunting and gathering mission or one of solidarity. If its hunting, make sure you are playing wing as well as point, don't leave a teammate behind dammit! If it's solidarity, make sure you aren't hunting; friends will love you forever, V-day skanks will only love you for the night.

4. Make a new myspace friend!: The Film Geekz Myspace Page.  (Don't forget to subscribe to the blog)

5. Hooray For Boobies!: Cheer yourselves up Ladies! Take naughty pictures and forward them to me a This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it with the title "Hooray For Boobies!" . I promise to enjoy them and send you an e-mail back complimenting you on at least one thing about yourself. *21 and over only.* (Ok I'm mostly kidding about this one...mostly)

6. Pay it Forward: Just help someone out during this challenging day. This can be as simple as paying the toll for the car behind you or just telling a friend they look nice. (And people think I'm too snarky?...really?)

7. Spoil yourself: Look at the bright side - you don't have to buy anyone a Valentines Day Gift. Take that money and buy yourself something nice.

8. Cruel Intentions: No I'm not talking about screwing your sister (leave your sister to me). Find a single friend of the opposite sex and start drunk dialing your collective exes; don't talk, just put the phone down and make sexy noises. Who knows - maybe you'll bond over this vengeful plot and hook up with that best friend.

9. Ignorance is Bliss: Don't have the means or the ability to do any of the suggestions above? No worries. Just treat this like any other day, do your best to ignore this crap, don't change or alter your route a bit. A good suggestion, but not nearly as fun as the first 8...but had to be said since some of you are broke, uncreative mofo's.

10. Cupid's Vomit Comet: Ok this one is pretty low brow, but sometimes you have to hit bottom. Get yourself a ticket for that special romantic comedy playing....all the cute little couples will be there. Find the biggest jerkoff in the theater...it wont be hard. He looks pissed off since he just paid evening Showtime prices, and got ripped off while stocking up at the snack bar, sure he's hoping to get laid but he figures the minimum will do (he's just hoping that damn Tito of his recorded NASCAR). Here are a few choices -

Choice 1: Sit as close to him as possible and just run your mouth the entire movie. Keep in mind this could get you punched...choose wisely.

Choice 2: If you are a girl - Sit near him and talk to him. Keep asking where you know him from, mention the name of a sleazy bar, and just keep it up till the movie starts. Odds are the guy won't be getting laid, and odds are he's a cheating jerk anyway (all the same don't pick anyone wearing wedding rings - that's going too far).

Choice 3: Bring a ziplock baggie full of creamed corn and other gooey stuff. In the middle of the movie make a retching sound and spill it on the floor under their seats...then run like hell and vanish. Childish, I know, but the mood will be ruined and if you've chosen wisely, the guy's a jerk and doesn't deserve any booty.

11. Grow a pair: Chances are you have your eye on someone, why not just make that move? Ok I'm the WORST person to give this advice...I can come up with a 101 excuses to avoid just this advice. But who knows, maybe it'll work for you.  
 
12. Ultra Digital Violence: It's time to pop in those violent video games and John Woo DVD's! Just kick back and give into the darkside. You'll wake up refreshed and ready to face a world where you won't have to deal with this holiday for another 364 days.

13. Two words - Strip Club!: Don't knock it! When all else fails, hit the nudie bar, get drunk and go home and take advantage of yourself. Someone has to - might as well be someone you love.
 
14. Add your own tip (just the tip) below:

Film Geekz would like to state that this guide is from start to finish a work of comedic fantasy, not to be taken seriously.  Please drink and act responsibly. It's a dumb holiday; nobody needs to get hurt.

Readers have left 9 comments.

No.1  Hurray for Boobies

So what are you doing for Valentines day then? M.

Chesty La Rue () • 2008-02-14 03:40:46

No.2  Just The Tip

You

mikey_dayspring (Super Administrator) • 2008-02-14 03:42:21

No.3  the dork

that should be ball bearings. actually i don\'t think i\'ve ever even seen that in the singular form before.

kennycjr () • 2008-02-14 04:14:33

No.4  Uno Ball

It happens.

mikey_dayspring (Super Administrator) • 2008-02-14 04:26:23

No.5  need some $1's first...

I'll donate a few stacks of $1's to M's strip-o-rama V-Day shenanigans.

So where will you be posting the pics sent by anonymous philanthropists??

Guest User () • 2008-02-14 18:27:45

No.6  Dollabill/Tip # 14

Woo hoo I need the ones. I wouldn't post those pics...unless the sender requested it.

Add in tip # 14: Take a sick child to the ER.
Not too much fun but if K-Fed's taught me anything it's "Ya gotz to take care of ya kidz". On the plus side you wont be thinking about being single when you are sitting in a room of sick people till 2am.

M () • 2008-02-15 11:37:11

No.7  Stipulations

I will only donate $1's if M & Deez promise to take them up to the greasiest strip joint in town and tuck them into some frayed-ass G Strings. No doing laundry with 'em.

Guest User () • 2008-02-15 21:17:23

No.8  RE: Stipulations

I have no problem with that...

Deez () • 2008-02-16 15:42:27

No.9  Sinshine Checking in

LOVE the tips Jinx...and you thought I wouldn\'t read it! HAHA...fooled you...now get off the couch and get to that strip club!

Guest User () • 2008-02-16 20:49:59

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